


be cruel to me

by JaguarCello



Series: be cruel to me [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexuality, Borderline Personality Disorder, Catholic Guilt, Drinking, Eating Disorders, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Narcissism, Religious Conflict, Smoking, canon typical horribleness, mid s11
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-05-26 17:13:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6248536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaguarCello/pseuds/JaguarCello
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a scam - of course it is - but this one requires long-term commitment, maybe some kissing, and lying to academic researchers. <br/> Mac and Dennis are perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> dennis is pretty fucked up but then that's canon  
>  this is going to probably be long and surprisingly angst-free  
> everything tagged will be appearing at some point 
> 
> i'm from southern england so my grasp of US spelling and slang etc might be wobbly. also trying v hard not to ignore any of the characters but eh   
>  my first iasip fic ooo

University of Pennsylvania, Department of Psychology

PAID RESEARCH OPPORTUNITY

Romantic Couples Study

_You and your partner are eligible to participate if you:_

  * Are in a committed, monogamous romantic relationship
  * Have been dating for at least six months
  * Are currently living together
  * Are both over the age of eighteen



 

____________________________________________________________

“You’re kidding, right?” Charlie says, looking at the piece of paper and squinting slightly. “I mean, two hundred dollars is a _lot_ to earn for a few hours’ work, but I don’t know enough about numbers to – “

“Goddamnit,” Dee says, snatching the paper off him. “No disrespect, Charlie – actually, you know what, complete disrespect. You’re a moron. This study will involve _writing_ and _reading_ and all that kind of stuff which is beyond you,” and she looks closely at the paper. “Why can’t I do it?”

Dennis, sat behind the bar with a beer in his hand, laughs. “I forgot about all those men desperate to bang you, Dee. Is it the birdlike knees – the way they stick out? Is it the bony back, from which wings could sprout? Is it – “

“You’re a dick,” Dee tells him. “Besides, Bill Ponderosa would do it. Or maybe Cricket, if we got him some crack – “

Mac opens himself another beer as the clock chimes one. “Listen to yourself. You’re completely delusional – “

“What, like you telling yourself that you’re straight and you work your core?” Charlie says, wringing out the bottom of his shirt.

“Charlie, what the hell are you doing with your – are you _drinking_ from your shirt?” Dennis asks, eyes popping slightly. He is, Mac has noticed, wearing more mascara than usual today.

Charlie shrugs. “Well, Dennis, I am drinking from my shirt because it gets all that nice aged sweaty flavour, like this shitty beer has been kept in a decent cask for years, in a cool cellar – “

Dennis blinks a few times. “I can’t – I can’t deal with this. Okay. Back to this study. I mean, Mac – “ and Mac looks up at this, heart jumping. Dennis smirks at him. “Mac and I live together, we have been living together for years, and he’s seen most of my tapes and banged most of the chicks I’ve banged, so we’ve basically been having sex –“

Mac splutters, and almost spits a mouthful of beer onto the bar. “We – that’s ridiculous, Dennis. I am not gay, I am a normal healthy full-blooded straight male. Look at me, drinking my beer, look at my badass muscles. Any girl would love to have me – “

“Ignoring your self-denial,” Dee says, “that might actually work. I mean, you two are so co-dependent it’s pathetic. Like, okay, the checking in thing, the monthly dinners, how rigidly obsessed you are with your loser movie night – “

“Movie night isn’t for losers, Dee – “

“Shut up, all of you!” Frank says, as the door bangs open. “I got to get my gun out, is that it? Goddamn freaks, your generation – what are we arguing about now? Did Dennis steal Deandra’s foundation again?”

Dennis scowls, and then seems to remember it might give him wrinkles. “Don’t be ridiculous, Frank. She and I have different skin tones. I can’t even be bothered to explain it to you – Dee, take over for me,” and he throws back a shot of sambuca. Mac watches his throat convulse, and pretends he’s gazing vacantly.

“We’ve found this thing – well, Mac found this thing – about a psychology trial. We get two hundred dollars, plus expenses, simply for doing the first stage – the interviews and shit. If we pass them, if they think it’s all true, they monitor us for six months. After that, we get up to ten thousand dollars. It’s all funded by some government lobbyists – “

“What’s the scam? What do we have to do” Frank asks, taking the beer Charlie proffers him and opening it with his teeth.

“These two – “ Charlie says, pointing at Dennis and Mac, “have to pretend to be in love, and then we get paid for it!”

“Pretend to be in _love_?” Dennis says, incredulous. Mac tries not to flinch. “But that’s ridiculous. Love is for – small children, and dogs, and for tricking women into bed – “

 “For the love of God,” says Dee. “Don’t say that to the researchers. Look, I’ve just been Googling – “ and she shows them her laptop screen, open to a Wikipedia page. “So love is like, this very strong emotion. It’s a positive emotion. You asshole, Dennis, you’ve told me you love me before – “

Dennis glares, nostrils flaring. His face is white, apart from two spots of colour high on his cheeks. “Don’t exaggerate, Dee. Your nose gets even more beaklike – “

“Okay, okay,” Charlie says. “I propose that we give Mac and Dennis a quick crash course in emotions.”

__________________

They are sat in the bar – again, or is it still? – with a whiteboard in front of them. Dee picks up a pen and writes _LOVE_ on the board. “We’re going to have to brainstorm,” she says. “Tell me about things you love,” and she points at Charlie.

“I love the waitress, obviously – “

“Yeah, I’m not going to write that down, because it’s creepy, and she hates you,” Dee says, and writes _rats_ on the board. “Let’s start with the obvious ones.”

“I love Jackie Chan,” says Mac, which gets written up in red. _Beer_ , _Eagles_ and _acting_ soon join it.

Dennis throws a pen lid at Dee. “You don’t love acting. You don’t know the first thing about acting – “

“What do you love, Dennis?” Frank asks, eyes beady. “Can you think of something you might care enough about to sing to it in a restaurant– in fact, I think we can go ahead and move onto the masculine pronouns here – does anyone spring to mind?”

Mac sits up a little straighter. “Dennis loves the troops, and America! The troops are seriously badass, so that’s cool – “

“You are a complete idiot,” Dee tells him. “Frank’s talking about _you_ , which is lucky, since you two sons of bitches are going to earn us ten thousand.”

“Huh,” says Mac. “That’s not – you _hate_ me, you’ve said you hate me – “

“Yeah,” Dennis says, “and you banged my mom. It’s in the past, yeah?” and he walks up to Mac, puts an arm round his shoulder, leans in close, and headbuts him. “That’s for banging my mom, by the way,” he says over his shoulder as he leaves. Mac just lies on the floor, and watches him go.

“He’ll be back,” says Charlie. “Ten thousand – Dennis would do anything for ten thousand. Maybe even fuck Mac,” and Mac looks up, head still spinning.

“Screw you,” he says. “I’d fuck _him_ ,” and at that point Frank realised he might have concussion.

_______________________________

“Wait, so you mean to tell me that he’s in hospital for – how long?” says Dennis, rolling his eyes. “I didn’t headbut him that hard! Besides, since his head is mostly empty, it should be like marshmallow – “

“He actually probably has lots of muscle in his head,” Charlie says, as they walk down the corridor. “But like, muscle isn’t as soft as fat. I have a lot of fat in my head, and that’s how I can survive so much happening to me – oh, here we are,” and he kicks open the door. Mac is lying in the bed with an impressive bruise on his forehead.

“They found out that I actually fractured my skull,” he says to Charlie, ignoring Dennis. “But luckily, they didn’t have to do anything to my hair – oh, did you bring my hair gel? There are lots of hot nurses here, and I want to make a  good impression on them – “

A man walks into the room, bumping into Dennis. “I’m so sorry, sir,” he says. “I’m Mr. Macdonald’s nurse – “

“They’re letting men be nurses now?” Charlie says. “But Frank said – “

“Anyway,” Dennis says. “How is he?” He steps out from behind Charlie and reveals an enormous bunch of flowers. “Hey baby boy,” he says to Mac, who blushes, but scowls. The blush contrasts wonderfully with the blue-black of his forehead. “I brought you these flowers – do you have a vase?” he says to the nurse, who nods.

“Sure, I’ll be right back,” he says, and turns to go.

“No rush,” Dennis tells him, languidly, and sits down on the side of the bed. He swings his legs round until he’s lying next to Mac, still holding the flowers. “I really am sorry,” he whispers.

“No you’re not,” Charlie says. “You’re just saying that so that Mac will do that study with you,” and Dennis curses.

“Charlie, we’re having a moment. Can you, I don’t know, go and find Frank? He said he’d meet us here. Try the nurses’ station or the sewage outlet, please,” and Charlie blinks a few times.

“Sure, sure,” he says, good-naturedly. “Classic Charlie Work, isn’t it?” but he turns to go.

Dennis leans in more closely to Mac, who shrinks back. “You’re not going to hurt me again, are you?”

“I am so sorry that I hurt you,” Dennis says. His eyes are big and blue and piercing. “I honestly – I mean, I meant to hurt you, but not this much. And now you won’t want to do the study, even though I can think of nothing I’d enjoy more than getting paid to live with my best friend, and you’d enjoy that as well, wouldn’t you? I could make it so good for you – “

“Sorry,” says the nurse, pink in the face. “I have a vase,” and he shoved the flowers into a vase and left, shutting the door behind them.

“I – I don’t know,” Mac tells him. “You’re horrible to me, all the time. You lie to me, you manipulate me, and you think I don’t notice? You treat me like shit, like I’m lucky to be a piece of shit on your shoe, and I put so much of my soul into this – “

“I know you do, and I know I can be difficult. And you should talk to me like this, you should be honest with me, because I need to know what’s going on in that head of yours. But if we’re talking about this, then you did feed me dog – and a dog that you said you would raise like our son! You ate our son, Mac – “

“I also feel,” Mac goes on, “like you don’t value all the things I do for you. I get the popcorn for our movie nights, I help you with the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, I would walk to the end of the earth for you – holy _shit_ , these painkillers are strong – “

“You’re interrupting me again, Mac, and you know how much that irritates you. But listen to me. If you do this study with me, I will listen to you and I will prove to you how much I value you. And I will make goddamn sure we are the most convincing couple in that study, and we will earn all that money, and you can buy some new weights. But we’ll need some ground rules.”

Mac nods. “I – okay, so if we do this, I get to choose the popcorn? Because if I have to get it, I want to be able to choose the flavour. And I want you to take Project Badass seriously, and let me wear mesh shirts, and compliment me at least once a day. And,” he says, “you have to get me another dog. And I promise not to feed it to you this time.”

“That sounds fair,” Dennis agrees. “But I hope you know we’re going to have to make this couple thing seem legit. We’re going to have to kiss – “ and he leans slightly closer to Mac, close enough that Mac can see he’s wearing concealer under his eyes. “Will that be a problem for you? If we were to kiss? If we were to – for example – kiss in front of the researchers, so that they believe us?”

Mac shifts slightly in the bed. “Yeah, like, we could hold hands, in front of them. And maybe, you could call me baby. As long as they know that I top, because you know, I’m a bear –“

“Of course, baby,” says Dennis, and he watches Mac blush. “We could – we could go on dates where people would see us, and we could drink expensive wine, and then I could suck you off in the bathroom – “

“Okay,” says Frank, walking into the room. “What the hell are you two talking about? Why do you have to shut the door? You can’t have sex when he’s hooked up to that heart monitor – anyway, the nurses said that he’s going home tonight. He’s fine, essentially. They did say that they’re surprised there seems to be no brain damage, but hey. Charlie stole a load of morphine, so we had better go.”

________________________________

Back at the apartment, with Mac sat on the sofa eating Thin Mints and Dennis moisturising, it seems as if Mac’s knock on the head hadn’t changed a thing.

“You’d better not be eating my Thin Mints,” Dennis calls from the bathroom. “I explicitly stated that you are _never_ to eat my Thin Mints, you goddamn fool – “

“Do you want that ten thousand,” Mac yells, through a mouthful of cookie, “or not? Because if not, you’re going the right way about it,” and he throws a Thin Mint into the air and catches it in his mouth like a lizard.

“Bro, the lizard thing is gross,” Dennis shouts. “I can hear your teeth snapping together when you do that,” and he comes out of the bathroom, wearing a face mask. “This is to open my pores,” he says. “You could do with opening your pores, my friend,” and he sits down next to Mac.

“Dee’ll be round in a few,” he says. “She’s somehow found all the stuff they ask us to assess our suitability for the study. It involves questions about our emotional bond, apparently, which might be tricky. But don’t worry, I’ve been doing some reading about feelings and I think I can do this. Dee thinks she’s an actor, but hell, I might be the true talent in this family,” and he reaches over to grab the last Thin Mint, his hand brushing Mac’s thigh.


	2. Chapter 2

They are back in the bar. It’s ten in the morning, and it feels both like no time has passed, and months and months have gone by. Mac is drinking a beer and Dennis is looking at his reflection in a puddle on the bartop.

 “Are you assholes listening?” Dee asks, leaning forwards to wipe up the spilled beer. Dennis pouts and then stops as quickly as if he’d realised it might give him wrinkles. “The interview is _tomorrow_ , and you’ve not even looked at these notes – “

 “Charlie wrote them,” Frank points out. “They’re in hieroglyphs of his own invention. Nobody knows what he means – “

“Look,” Charlie said, snatching the piece of paper. “The house means ‘where did he grow up?’ and the condom means ‘who was the first person he slept with’ – “

“You realise Mac refuses to use condoms?” Dennis points out, scribbling out that question. “Besides it’ll be shit like ‘where did you two meet?’ and ‘was he in love with you immediately?’ which is true, isn’t it Mac?” He looks across at Mac, who is looking into his beer like it will drown him if he thinks about it hard enough.

“We met when you were forced by the cooler kids to buy weed for them, so that they’d let you hang out with them. And then you didn’t know how to roll so I rolled for you, and then we got baked under the bleachers,” Mac says, still looking into his bottle. “And then you pretended for weeks that you were too cool to hang around with me – “

“Your name at that point was Ronald McDonald, and you hung around with Charlie. It was self-preservation, and I _was_ too cool to hang around with you,” Dennis reminds him, opening a beer for himself. “But yes, that is how we met I guess. I did you a favour really remember, with the money?”

 Dee snorts. “I remember Dennis coming back high as a fucking kite from school saying he’d ‘made a real friend’ and crowing about buying a _single joint_ for thirty dollars,” she points out, stealing his beer and downing half of it before spitting in the rest and sliding it back across the bar.

“That’s not true!” Dennis snaps. “Anyway, we can’t tell a study – a _scientific study_ – that we met through drugs. We’ll have to say something more wholesome, more American Dream. We met… well, we should keep it at high school and then we can just keep all our memories and stuff,” and the door swings open and three guys walk in. “Get out,” Dennis says, without looking. “We’re busy, and we’re closed. Jesus fucking _Christ_ , go somewhere else,” and they blink a few times, and leave.

 “We can say they met when Dennis was ruining that girl’s life when she won class president or whatever, you know when he mounted that campaign saying that she and her dad had a weird relationship?” Charlie suggests, tongue green.

 “They had a weird relationship,” Dennis snaps, opening another beer. “He kept hugging her and saying he _loved_ her. It was completely disgusting, and wrong. He probably never even hit her except when they were – “

 “That does sound weird,” Mac interrupts. “I mean, my dad hugged me once, but it was to hide drugs under my coat when I was seeing him in prison and then he got pissed because the coat was too big and the heroin fell out in front of the guards. So then he hit me. Normal stuff, you know?”

 Dee blinks. “Well, moving on from everyone here who probably has horrible daddy issues, and Frank, we’re mostly blaming you – we can say they met when I was running for class president.” She smiles. “Remember, I came fifth?”

 “Dee, you came fifth out of five and the only vote you got was Jiminy Cricket,” Dennis points out. “But sure, sure. I was – well, first of all, we’ll say you won. And that I was your campaign manager, and Mac was – “

“I was the muscle,” Mac says, immediately. “And Charlie was – “

“Wild card!” Charlie yells, looking around for something to throw. Frank hands him an empty bottle, which he smashes against the wall, and then he pauses. “I’ll clean that up later,” he says, and Dee shrugs, hands him another beer.

 “Charlie was in charge of drumming up interest in your campaign with the white trash people,” Frank suggests.

“It doesn’t matter what Charlie did,” Dennis points out, ears starting to redden. “What _matters_ is how Mac and I met, fell in love, all that bullshit. So, we met in high school, you were in love with me for _years_ , I went to Penn. You came to visit me, met my bros. We all got drunk and you slept on the floor in my dorm room but you woke up in the middle of the night. And then when I wake up you’ve crawled into my bed and then I kiss you except really quietly, so my roommate doesn’t hear, and then we fuck – “

“Dennis,” Charlie says, reasonably. “It sorta seems like you’ve thought about this a lot. What is Mac wearing, in this scenario?”

Dennis shrugs. “He starts off in a fancy shirt, but I had to take him to buy it because otherwise he would have shown up in a muscle shirt – “

 “It’d be a frat party. Everyone is wearing them to frat parties – “

“Mac, I went to college, not you, so you can just – “

“No, but when I visited you, everyone _was_ wearing them apart from you with your little sweater vest and your tie, so like, before you made me change I was completely fitting in – “ and Mac cuts himself off, jamming a fist into his mouth. Dee silently hands him another beer.

 Frank blinks. “Did this – did this actually happen?”

 Dennis snorts, looking at the ceiling. “Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. My bros would all have laughed – “

“They laughed anyway,” Dee reminds him. “I mean, they all thought you were gay and creepy, and all the girls thought you were weird and creepy. And in general you are creepy. So like – “

“Shut the hell up,” Dennis spits, face white. “Shut up, you fucking miserable insect. I was a fucking _god_ at college and it’s no wonder that Mac couldn’t wait to get on his knees and worship me – “

“Woah,” Mac says, standing up. “Sounds kinda gay, really – “

“You sucked my dick,” Dennis half-yells, not looking at anyone. “And you prayed as you did it and then afterwards you prayed for forgiveness and in the morning you left even though it was a Sunday and you weren’t meant to be leaving til Tuesday, fucking hell, and – “

 “Woah,” Mac says again. “I mean, that’s just not true, Dennis. I fucked – that girl with the teeth, remember her, the one who had the whole thing about Catholic boys,” and he is breathing heavily, face flushed. Dennis is looking a thousand yards into the distance, or into the past.

 “This took a turn,” Dee says. Charlie nods, and slurps at what smells like paint. There is a silence, broken only by Dennis making odd high-pitched noises at intervals.

“Back to the scam,” Frank says. “I think it would help the whole _being in love_ thing if they mention the tortured blowjobs. And the crying – “ and he points at Dennis, who is crying softly. His mascara is running down his face. Mac almost reaches out to hug him, but Dennis flinches away; Frank sighs. “We’ve got a lot of work to do,” he allows, and smashes a beer bottle against the wall.

____________________________

 

The day of the interview is rainy, of course. Just before they open the door, Mac reaches out to hold Dennis’s hand, and Dennis flinches but lets him do it.

 “Mac McDdonald and Dennis Reynolds,” Mac says, and the man in the room nods, shakes their hands.

 “We’re here for the relationship study,” Mac says, when it seems that Dennis is going to remain silent despite his clammy hand. “We’ve been friends since high school, and we started fucking when Dennis went to college, and when he came back I had chlamydia so we had to wait a bit but then we carried on fucking when I was better and now we’re in love,” he adds, gabbling. Dennis tightens his grip on his hand, and says nothing.  

“Right,” says the man. “My name is Henry,” and he has an English accent. “I’m running the study here, and I’m a professor of  - “

“Can we call you Henry?” asks Mac, and Dennis rolls his eyes.

“We’ll call him _professor,_ Mac,” he says, and sniffs haughtily.

“No, no,” Henry says. “Call me Henry, please. If I can call you Mac and Dennis?”

“Sure,” Mac says, flopping down onto the sofa. Dennis sits delicately on the edge, so close to Mac that he can almost touch him. He does not touch him, and lets go of his hand. He flexes his fingers slightly, and then threads his hands together on his lap. Mac notes that he is looking bonier than ever.

 “So, I’ve just got some basic questions before we can progress to the next part of the trial. You’ll get paid two hundred dollars for this part, and then the next part is – “

“I’m not gay,” Mac tells him, and the professor sits back in his chair slightly. “I’m – it’s a sin but I’m trying to work on that, and Judas kisses Jesus which does seem a bit gay, so – “

 “He’s Catholic,” Dennis says. “I’m nothing. I’m my own religion, maybe. I guess I worship him,” and he looks at Mac with such an over-the-top soppy smile that the back of his neck prickles. _Obvious, obvious_ , he thinks, but keeps smiling at Mac.

 “That’s – sweet,” Henry says. “Now, first things first. When was the first time you slept together, and the most recent?”

 “The first time we slept together – well, Henry, I’d call it _making love_ – was when I was at Penn. We’d gone to a party with all my bros, it’d been really fun, lots of cool memories. And then we’d gone back to mine and Mac slept in my bed, and he kissed me – and it was scary. I’d kissed hundreds of women but none of them kissed like him, all sort of shy but aggressive as well. So I kissed him back, and then he sucked my dick but not enough for me to come – “

“So,” Henry says, “it was at college?”

“I was at college,” Dennis says. “He was just doing Mac stuff. Working out – _look_ at his arm muscles, they make you feel all safe when you’re wrapped in them – and going to church and stuff. But he missed me. I missed him as well, we’d phone to check in all the time,” and he leans to the side until his thigh is pressing against Mac’s. Mac blinks, suddenly feeling very out of control, and his jeans are too tight, and Dennis is so close with his fucking _thighs_ , and Mac closes his eyes for a second. When he opens them, Dennis is watching him closely.

 “Yeah,” Mac says. His voice is rough. “Erm, and then the most recent time we fucked was two nights ago – we didn’t want to be tired for this interview because we fuck for hours,” and Dennis has somehow put his hand inbetween them and curled it around Mac’s hip.

 “So you have regular sex – I mean, we explained on the phone that part of the study is about non-traditional sexual patterns. Fetishes, that sort of thing. And mostly how the equal marriage laws are starting to affect non-heterosexual unions as well – “

Dennis smiles like a snake smiles at a rat, seconds before it eats it. “We sometimes – experiment. I’m the power bottom. Sometimes I’ll go to work with a dildo inside me and if it’s a vibrating one I’ll sit next to Mac at work and see how long it takes him to notice how hard I am. And then sometimes – we put in a glory hole in the bathroom at work – “

“As I understand it,” Henry says, looking slightly grey, “the point of the glory hole is anonymity. If you know it’s Mac, or he knows it’s you – “

“I think you’re being judgemental,” Dennis tells him, slipping a finger under the waistband of Mac’s jeans. Mac shifts in his seat and pretends to himself and to God that he was just getting more comfortable.

 “How often do you have sex?” Henry asks, uncapping his pen again.

Mac clears his throat. “At least once a day, often more,” he says, sending up a silent prayer of apology to God. “Sometimes at work – and we recently moved to the suburbs but we were having so much sex that we never went to work,” and Dennis laughs at that, loud and unhinged.

 “Look,” Henry says. “I don’t know if you’re the right people for this study. It’s about romantic love, not just sex, and whilst there’s no doubt that you’re having sex a lot, I’m not sure if you’re in love. We only have one other non-heterosexual couple involved but they are very much – well, it’s nauseating. I don’t know if I can – “

“Look,” Dennis says, standing up and dragging Mac up with him. “The first time I met him I thought he was hot. And the next time I thought he was handsome, and when I told my parents I’d met this guy they were sort of dickish about it. The first time we had sex – felt like the first time I’d ever had sex with anyone which is obviously not true, but that’s how mindblowing it was. I felt so – so safe, so secure. The more we did it the more I grew to love him. I’d catch a grenade for him, throw my hand on a blade for him. Jump in front of a train for him – “

“That’s a Bruno Mars song,” Henry points out, and Dennis flushes, but carries on.

“You ever thought about why clichés exist for love? Because the English language cannot express how I feel about him. How can I use words like _love_ and _trust_ and _depend_ when my heart skips a beat when I see him? And when he turned his back on his God for me, and still prays for our souls? I don’t know what you want from us, but if you doubt at all that we’re in love then maybe you should consider a different job, you limey fucker. You can’t measure love, not scientifically,” and he reaches out to hold Mac’s hand.

 “Yeah,” Mac adds. “You limey fucker,” and Dennis shoots him a tiny glare. Mac shuts up.

 Henry sighs. “If I put you in this study, you not only have to fill in this survey – to be honest, I just want you to get out of my office before you either have sex or propose to each other – but you have to be a little more normal. None of this extreme declaration of love stuff. It seems false, if I’m honest, and my tenure could be at risk. So just – just be yourselves. The trial starts in three days, and you’ll be required to act as normal for six months,” he says, and he doesn’t seem to realise how dangerous such a statement is. “And please, get out.”

 They get out.

 ____________________________________

  As soon as they’ve left the building, back into the drizzle, Dennis turns on Mac. “What the fuck was that?” he asks, voice raised.

 “What about _you_ , quoting Bruno Mars and going on about dildos? And none of that was true and he _knew_ it, you fucking moron!” Mac yells back, and Dennis steps closer to him. Mac can almost count each mascara-covered eyelash, can feel his breath on his face. “None of it was true,” he repeats.

 “Not even the stuff about college?” Dennis asks. “Not even the stuff – “ and he steps closer again, impossibly close. “The stuff about the dildos?” His breath smells faintly of pear-drops; acetone. “You think I don’t fuck myself and think about you?”

 Mac closes his eyes. “Dennis, all that happened when you were in college was that we got drunk and you gave me a handjob and you pulled chunks of my hair out when I sucked you off. We didn’t have sex – “

“Have you ever thought about it?” Dennis asks, reaching out to cradle Mac’s face. “When you touch yourself – what do you think about? Is it me? Is it me wearing lipstick and sucking you off and getting my lipstick smeared all over the place?” He’s breathing harder now, as is Mac. “Or me in fancy white panties with a dildo inside me, jerking off and thinking about you?”

 “You dick,” Mac tells him. “You get off on _this_ , don’t you? The power?”

Dennis shrugs. “Power is power is power, Mac.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Mac tells him, and half-runs to the nearest private place he can find – a public toilet – where he unzips his jeans and jerks off and comes in three strokes. His mind is a white-hot mess, but every image is Dennis.


End file.
